Friday Fun

 

J. Reginald Von Dandepantz was serving a 5-7 year stretch at Rikers for Illegally Selling Time Shares, a Federal Fraud Felony, and he ended up having to serve more than the anticipated sentence of 1-2 years when, during the sentencing phase of his trial, the judge asked him if he had any words to say in his defense:

Well, your honor, I have to say that the thoughts in my head are spinning faster than the tires of Steven Hawking's wheelchair were spinning when he got trapped on the I 95 entrance ramp in Fort Kent, Maine during an ice storm in February of 1996.

Hawking was in Fort Kent to deliver his Keynote Address "I just made-up that Black Hole crap" at the third annual Bunsen Burner Boys Buffet.

This did not sit well with the Judge whose nephew, Timmy, had been the victim of a vicious attack by a rabid raccoon that left poor Tiny Tim a Crippled Cub Scout and it was only one week after the tragedy (and exactly two weeks before the Dandepantz trial began) that the mayor of Madawaska, Maine Lucien "Squeaky" Allouette, declared he would award a Ninja Warrior Bacon Badge to any kid who successfully cooked bacon atop their metal lunch box solely using solar heat.

The entry fee is $25.00 per person and the participant must camp out the entire night and not pee out from inside of their tents because that is dangerous and dirty and there may be Brownies in the area.

After scolding Dandepantz for his very lame attempt to spin the felony fraud he was about to take the rap for - Hell, man- being forced to listen to that lame excuse is like being forced to watch Timmy trying to work the trampoline- the judge went on to describe the seriousness of the charge against Dandepantz:

This is no damn joke, buster. You paid to advertise in the Bangor Daily News your crummy scheme to seduce the good people of the great state of Maine, from Bucksport to Jonestown Beale, into arriving at your so-called membership drive to participate in an exclusive Rural Resort Time Share Program that turned out to be nothing more than a partially deflated Bounce House in the back yard of your Aunt Debbah's camp at Molasses Pond.

And for that pathetic excuse for a Rural Resort Time Share Program, you charged each participant $150.00.

Therefore, by the power vested in me by former Governor Paul LePage - who is now a Bar Tender who makes a wicked car bomb - I sentence you, J. Reginald Von Dandepantz, to 5-7 years in Rikers, ya bastid.


And the rest, as they, say is history.

It was while at Rikers that J. Reginald Von Dandepantz developed his justly famous Prison Recipes Cookbook that is now selling faster than small tin foil packets of cocaine - and for a lot less too.

Here is the most requested recipe from the cookbook, Cell Block C. Chef.

Steal three medium sized eggs from the Commissary (You may have to French Kiss Louie the Lip to get these and even though he "identifies as a girl" that bastid ain't ).

Anyways, beat the eggs like they are a stoolie, and slip them into one leg of your prison pants with a mouse you captured, after first tying off that pant leg with that length of rope you were saving to maybe hang yourself, and then run the circumference of your cell six times while slapping the wall with your pant leg as hard as you can.

Then, once you have done that, put your pants on the prison radiator and in the morning you will have a very nice, warm and tasty casserole.