Jesus was born on the 25th

 

There are, roughly, 666 thousand evangelicals who spend their Advent and Christmastide trying to disprove the accurate historical date of The Incarnation by citing the Shepherds in the field and claiming that "it was too cold" and so that proves Jesus wasn't born on the 25th and that date really is the feast of Sol Invictus which means the Catholic Church is suffused with paganism blah, blah, blah...

Well, here is an impeachable source in that the source is Jewish and he wrote a book that proves that there WERE shepherds in the field with their flocks at that time - and that they were their tending their sheep which were intended for sacrifice - talk about an unintended proof of birth of The Saviour, The Lamb of God, who was to die for our sins as an act of propitiation....

In any event, here is Edelsheim: Alfred Edersheim, in his "The Life and Times of Jesus"

...And yet Jewish tradition may here prove both illustrative and helpful. That the Messiah was to be born in Bethlehem, was a settled conviction. Equally so, was the belief , that He was to be revealed from Migdal Eder, 'the tower of the flock.' This Migdal Eder was not the watchtower for the ordinary flocks which pastured on the barren sheepground beyond Bethlehem, but lay close to the town, on the road to Jerusalem. A passage in the Mishnah [951] leads to the conclusion, that the flocks, which pastured there, were destined for Temple-sacrifices [952], and, accordingly, that the shepherds, who watched over them, were not ordinary shepherds. The latter were under the ban of Rabbinism, on account of their necessary isolation from religious ordinances, and their manner of life, which rendered strict legal observance unlikely, if not absolutely impossible. The same Mishnaic passage also leads us to infer, that these flocks lay out all the year round, since they are spoken of as in the fields thirty days before the Passover -- that is, in the month of February, when in Palestine the average rainfall is nearly greatest.

Thus, Jewish tradition in some dim manner apprehended the first revelation of the Messiah from that Migdal Eder, where shepherds watched the Temple-flocks all the year round. Of the deep symbolic significance of such a coincidence, it is needless to speak.

It was, then, on that ‘wintry night’ of the 25th of December, that shepherds watched the flocks destined for sacrificial services, in the very place consecrated by tradition as that where the Messiah was to be first revealed. 

I don't know if this free download is still available but it is an excellent resource.

https://taylormarshall.com/2013/12/your-free-christmas-book-gods-birthday-why-christ-was-born-on-dec-25-and-why-it-matters.html

Dom Gueranger Dec 25th

 We apply the name of Christmas to the forty days which begin with the Nativity of our Lord, December 25, and end with the Purification of the Blessed Virgin, February 2. It is a period which forms a distinct portion of the Liturgical Year, as distinct, by its own special spirit, from every other, as are Advent, Lent, Easter, or Pentecost. One same Mystery is celebrated and kept in view during the whole forty days. Neither the Feasts of the Saints, which so abound during this Season; nor the time of Septuagesima, with its mournful Purple, which often begins before Christmastide is over, seem able to distract our Holy Mother the Church from the immense joy of which she received the good tidings from the Angels [St Luke ii 10] on that glorious Night for which the world had been longing four thousand years. The Faithful will remember that the Liturgy commemorates this long expectation by the four penitential weeks of Advent.

The custom of celebrating the Solemnity of our Saviour’s Nativity by a feast or commemoration of forty days’ duration is founded on the holy Gospel itself; for it tells us that the Blessed Virgin Mary, after spending forty days in the contemplation of the Divine Fruit of her glorious Maternity, went to the Temple, there to fulfil, in most perfect humility, the ceremonies which the Law demanded of the daughters of Israel, when they became mothers.

The Feast of Mary’s Purification is, therefore, part of that of Jesus’ Birth; and the custom of keeping this holy and glorious period of forty days as one continued Festival has every appearance of being a very ancient one, at least in the Roman Church. And firstly, with regard to our Saviour’s Birth on December 25, we have St John Chrysostom telling us, in his Homily for this Feast, that the Western Churches had, from the very commencement of Christianity, kept it on this day. He is not satisfied with merely mentioning the tradition; he undertakes to show that it is well founded, inasmuch as the Church of Rome had every means of knowing the true day of our Saviour’s Birth, since the acts of the Enrolment, taken in Judea by command of Augustus, were kept in the public archives of Rome. The holy Doctor adduces a second argument, which he founds upon the Gospel of St Luke, and he reasons thus: we know from the sacred Scriptures that it must have been in the fast of the seventh month [Lev. xxiii 24 and following verses. The seventh month (or Tisri) corresponded to the end of our September and beginning of our October. -Tr.] that the Priest Zachary had the vision in the Temple; after which Elizabeth, his wife, conceived St John the Baptist: hence it follows that the Blessed Virgin Mary having, as the Evangelist St Luke relates, received the Angel Gabriel’s visit, and conceived the Saviour of the world in the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, that is to say, in March, the Birth of Jesus must have taken place in the month of December.

But it was not till the fourth century that the Churches of the East began to keep the Feast of our Saviour’s Birth in the month of December. Up to that period they had kept it at one time on the sixth of January, thus uniting it, under the generic term of Epiphany, with the Manifestation of our Saviour made to the Magi, and in them to the Gentiles; at another time, as Clement of Alexandria tells us, they kept it on the 25th of the month Pachon (May 15), or on the 25th of the month Pharmuth (April 20). St John Chrysostom, in the Homily we have just cited, which he gave in 386, tells us that the Roman custom of celebrating the Birth of our Saviour on December 25 had then only been observed ten years in the Church of Antioch. It is probable that this change had been introduced in obedience to the wishes of the Apostolic See, wishes which received additional weight by the edict of the Emperors Theodosius and Valentinian, which appeared towards the close of the fourth century, and decreed that the Nativity and Epiphany of our Lord should be made two distinct Festivals. The only Church that has maintained the custom of celebrating the two mysteries on January 6 is that of Armenia; owing, no doubt, to the circumstance of that country not being under the authority of the Emperors; as also because it was withdrawn at an early period from the influence of Rome by schism and heresy.

The Feast of our Lady’s Purification, with which the forty days of Christmas close, is, in the Latin Church, of very great antiquity; so ancient, indeed, as to preclude the possibility of our fixing the date of its institution. According to the unanimous opinion of Liturgists, it is the most ancient of all the Feasts of the Holy Mother of God; and as her Purification is related in the Gospel itself, they rightly infer that its anniversary was solemnized at the very commencement of Christianity. Of course, this is only to be understood of the Roman Church; for as regards the Oriental Church, we find that this Feast was not definitely fixed to February 2 until the reign of the Emperor Justinian, in the sixth century. It is true that the Eastern Christians had previously to that time a sort of commemoration of this Mystery, but it was far from being a universal custom, and it was kept a few days after the Feast of our Lord’s Nativity, and not on the day itself of Mary’s going up to the Temple.

But what is the characteristic of Christmas in the Latin Liturgy? It is twofold: it is joy, which the whole Church feels at the coming of the divine Word in the Flesh; and it is admiration of that glorious Virgin, who was made the Mother of God. There is scarcely a prayer, or a rite, in the Liturgy of this glad Season, which does not imply these two grand Mysteries: an Infant-God, and a Virgin-Mother.

For example, on all Sundays and Feasts which are not Doubles, the Church, throughout these forty days, makes a commemoration of the fruitful virginity [The Collect, Deus qui salutis aeternae beatae Mariae Virginiate fecunda humano generi, etc.] of the Mother of God, by three special Prayers in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. She begs the suffrage of Mary by proclaiming her quality of Mother of God and her inviolate purity [V. Post partum, Virgo, inviolata permansisti. R. Dei Genitrix, intercede pro nobis.], which remained in her even after she had given birth to her Son. And again the magnificent Anthem, Alma Redemptoris, composed by the Monk Herman Contractus, continues, up to the very day of the Purification, to be the termination of each Canonical Hour. It is by such manifestations of her love and veneration that the Church, honouring the Son in the Mother, testifies her holy joy during this season of the Liturgical Year, which we call Christmas.

Our readers are aware that, when Easter Sunday falls at its latest - that is, in April - the Ecclesiastical Calendar counts as many as six Sundays after the Epiphany. Christmastide (that is, the forty days between Christmas Day and the Purification) includes sometimes four out of these six Sundays; frequently only two; and some times only one, as in the case when Easter comes so early as to necessitate keeping Septuagesima, and even Sexagesima Sunday, in January. Still, nothing is changed, as we have already said, in the ritual observances of this joyous season, excepting only that on those two Sundays, the fore-runners of Lent, the Vestments are purple, and the Gloria in excelsis is omitted.

Although our holy Mother the Church honours with especial devotion the Mystery of the Divine Infancy during the whole season of Christmas; yet, she is obliged to introduce into the Liturgy of this same season passages from the holy Gospels which seem premature, inasmuch as they relate to the active life of Jesus. This is owing to there being less than six months allotted by the Calendar for the celebration of the entire work of our Redemption: in other words, Christmas and Easter are so near each other, even when Easter is as late as it can be, that Mysteries must of necessity be crowded into the interval; and this entails anticipation. And yet the Liturgy never loses sight of the Divine Babe and his incomparable Mother, and never tires in their praises, during the whole period from the Nativity to the day when Mary comes to the Temple to present her Jesus.

The Greeks, too, make frequent commemorations of the Maternity of Mary in their Offices of this Season: but they have a special veneration for the twelve days between Christmas Day and the Epiphany, which, in their Liturgy, are called the Dodecameron. During this time they observe no days of Abstinence from flesh-meat; and the Emperors of the East had, out of respect for the great Mystery, decreed that no servile work should be done, and that the Courts of Law should be closed, until after January 6.

From this outline of the history of the holy season, we can understand what is the characteristic of this second portion of the Liturgical Year, which we call Christmas, and which has ever been a season most dear to the Christian world. What are the Mysteries embodied in its Liturgy will be shown in the following chapter.

Friday Fun - Blog Photo explained.

 Hey, Mick, T'Hell is the deal with your blog photo?

Thank you for the question pretend interlocutor. 

Because the rest of the world hates America with such savage intensity, Ol' Mick began to anticipate and prepare to survive a sneak nuclear attack.

Mick took FIL's (Father in Law) Welding Mask, put it on, and climbed on top of MIL's (Mother in Law) Van and I had her drive me around day and night for months.

If the surprise nuclear attack happened I would see the flash of the explosion and not be blinded and I would have enough time to roll off the top of  the van into a ditch before the blast of the Nuclear explosion would safely pass over me.

I could then take off the Welding Mask, bury my beloved MIL in a shallow grave, and hightail it to Costco where I could grab as much free merchandise as I could stuff into the van. 

After a few months, when there was no surprise nuclear attack, my exhausted MIL convinced me to abandon my plan but never let it be said I was unprepared to do whatever is necessary to survive, thrive and keep liberty alive.

Friday Fun

Some believe their progenitors were Gorillas in the mist.

Some believe in life from nothing; we call them atheists.

Others trust the Bible; they believe Genesis is not a myth,

While boxers with broken teeth threaten others with their fyths.

 Dimitri Petrov, the Social Studies Teacher.

Sometimes something as simple as the hiring of a foreign born Social Studies Teacher can have far ranging consequences; complicated consequences like when the tenth grade daughter of a prominent town selectmen got knocked-up leading to the formation of an obvious cover story of a "very sick" aunt in New York who required convalescence care which would be provided by the selectman's daughter for roughly nine months so his family could avoid social ostracism at The Crown Point Country Club.

It was said of Petrov that he was from The Ukraine, which, as you well know, was enough to start the argument ball rolling down Skitchewaug Trail before it ended up crashing into and sinking in the quarry. 

Many seasonal members of The Crown Point Country Club claimed that The Ukraine should be called simply Ukraine while others were adamant the article "The" was necessary when speaking about the bread basket of Russia because The Ukraine refers to the borderland or edge of Russia.

In other words, it was an unnecessary and unwelcome distraction from the normal topics of interest in the teeny villages and small Southern Vermont towns which bordered, if you will, Springfield; topics such as - Well, Jane, you know how those women living up on Cherry Hill are; if  they are not using eye-liner, or galavanting around wearing wigs and falsies, they are reading "The Tropic of Cancer" or some other smut, that's just how they are.

Petrov was hired as The Social Studies Teacher at the local high school and as early as the second quarter of the school year, controversy and enmity began to surface which, eventually, led to Petrov catching some lead in his gut and slowly bleeding out in the hills of Dummerston the first day of deer hunting season.

That fateful second quarter of the school year began when Petrov first advanced his claim that the historicity of Genesis was suspect and when that commie claim was combined with his claim that the local village idiot, a kid nick-named Gibby The Grinning Goon ought to be listened to because he was blessed with a great gift, then what ineluctably followed in the chain of events was not a great surprise.

Village Idiots have a long and storied history in Vermont and the towns and villages where they lived were always understanding and tolerant of The Village Idiots and their weird behavior but a highly questionable practice began to develop amongst the Quakers and progressives in Vermont to the point where one village idiot, a Mr. Patrick Leahy, was not only tolerated but respected, to such an obscene level that the normally rock-solid citizens imagined the idiot was possessed of some sort of constitutional, economic, military or  spiritual wisdom and he ended-up getting elected as a United States Senator from Montpelier but most folks explained that away by noting, Well, he was born there and it's where the State Capital is, so...

OK, that detour into the detritus of democracy aside, let's pick back up the thread of the Petrov controversy.

As we already noted, the commie bastid, Petrov, had openly questioned the historicity of Genesis and onto that conflagration of such a sulphurous suggestion, he heaped upon that the coals of claiming the Village Idiot, Gibby the Grinning Goon, was blessed with the ability to divine the future because he was a natural born Haruspex.

Oncet, Petrov was driving over the North Springfield Flood Control Dam when he espied Gibby the Grinning Goon using his Dad's old Five Iron to brain the Suckers and Catfish he had hooked in the spillway of the dam.

As Petrov peered at the perplexing actions of Gibby, he noticed that the idiot stood there for quite some time staring at the results of his office - the blood and brains of the fish spilled out onto the rocks - as they slowly dried in the sun. 

When the idiot finally walked up onto the road of the Dam, Petrov accosted him and asked - What did you see? What did the brains tell you about the future? - Gibby the Grinning Goon grunted, "Bad."

Just as I thought, murmured Petrov and he drove off by himself to get an ice cream cone at Spur's after the idiot refused his offer of a ride.

It was only a few months later that the good rock-ribbed sensible men of the rocky redoubt that is Southern Vermont, having learned of this infamy, decided to invite Petrov to camp for the first day of deer season.

The night before opening day, the men got Petrov gooned on Vodka as they played endless games of Pitch. To make matters worse, they woke him up early.

As they led him out into the field, sweating and suffering from a wicked hangover, he wondered why his new friends had really asked him to stand unmoving in the middle a field because, even though he had never hunted deer before,  their explanation - You will be a deer lure - didn't make much sense.

Suddenly, as a few shots rang out - he felt the hot lead slamming into his gut before he heard the first shot - and it all began to make sense to Petrov - They don't like me - and his thoughts were borne from his head by his blood that began to pool out onto the frozen dirt. 

Rome will lose the faith?

While Mick, obviously, is disconcerted about the reign of novelty and change under this and previous, to be frank, Pontificates, I know I'll never leave the Catholic Church or break communion with he whom the Church says is the Pope.

It is the Church, not individuals, who decides who is and isn't Pope and even if a Pope seems suspect, he remains Pope ,and Jesus remains the Head of His Church.

That aside, there has always been speculation about the putative private relations by one of the seers at LaSalette who claims that Rome will lose the Faith.

Well, what about the seer who made this claim, is it a prophecy made to her by Mary?

Not hardly...

https://crc-internet.org/our-doctrine/catholic-counter-reformation/secret-la-salette/melanies-secret/melanies-writings.html

A worthy read about Our Pope and Our Cross

https://rorate-caeli.blogspot.com/2024/06/don-pietro-leone-is-pope-francis-pope.html

https://rorate-caeli.blogspot.com/2024/12/don-pietro-leone-is-francis-pope-if-not.html

Advent

 

Mick has spent years asking the Knights of Columbus to produce car stickers that do not merely ape the protestant ones - "Keep Christ in Christmas"- ones that they sell at the beginning of every Advent.

The KOC do not appear to understand that Advent is

its own season and that Christmas has not yet arrived.

Mick made his own sticker (one can do it 

online) and affixed it to his car.

The reader has to scroll down to see it

The Synod on Synodality

 https://akacatholic.com/synod-on-synodality-one-step-closer-to-the-end/

Denzinger 

The Power Attributed to the Community of the Church, in Order That by This the Power May Be Communicated to the Pastors

[Episcopal Convocation]
  

1502 2. The proposition which states "that power has been given by God to the Church, that it might be communicated to the pastors who are its ministers for the salvation of souls"; if thus understood that the power of ecclesiastical ministry and of rule is derived from the COMMUNITY of the faithful to the pastors,--heretical.

1836  [Argument from the assent of the Church]. To satisfy this pastoral duty, our predecessors always gave tireless attention that the saving doctrine of Christ be spread among all the peoples of the earth, and with equal care they watched that, wherever it was received, it was preserved sound and pure. Therefore, the bishops of the whole world, now individually, now gathered in Synods, following a long custom of the churches and the formula of the ancient rule, referred to this Holy See those dangers particularly which emerged in the affairs of faith, that there especially the damages to faith might be repaired where faith cannot experience a failure. * The Roman Pontiffs, moreover, according as the condition of the times and affairs advised, sometimes by calling ecumenical Councils or by examining the opinion of the Church spread throughout the world; sometimes by particular synods, sometimes by employing other helps which divine Providence supplied, have defined that those matters must be held which with God's help they have recognized as in agreement with Sacred Scripture and apostolic tradition. For, the Holy Spirit was not promised to the successors of Peter that by His revelation they might disclose new doctrine, but that by His help they might guard sacredly the revelation transmitted through the apostles and the deposit of faith, and might faithfully set it forth. Indeed, all the venerable fathers have embraced their apostolic doctrine, and the holy orthodox Doctors have venerated and followed it, knowing full well that the See of St. Peter always remains unimpaired by any error, according to the divine promise of our Lord the Savior made to the chief of His disciples: "I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and thou, being once converted, confirm thy brethren" [Luke 22:32].

Vatican 1 

Chapter 2. On the permanence of the primacy of blessed Peter in the Roman pontiffs

1. That which our lord Jesus Christ, the prince of shepherds and great shepherd of the sheep, established in the blessed apostle Peter, for the continual salvation and permanent benefit of the church, must of necessity remain for ever, by Christ’s authority, in the church which, founded as it is upon a rock, will stand firm until the end of time [45] .
2. For no one can be in doubt, indeed it was known in every age that the holy and most blessed Peter, prince and head of the apostles, the pillar of faith and the foundation of the catholic church, received the keys of the kingdom from our lord Jesus Christ, the saviour and redeemer of the human race, and that to this day and for ever he lives and presides and exercises judgment in his successors the bishops of the holy Roman see, which he founded and consecrated with his blood [46] .
3. Therefore whoever succeeds to the chair of Peter obtains by the institution of Christ himself, the primacy of Peter over the whole church. So what the truth has ordained stands firm, and blessed Peter perseveres in the rock-like strength he was granted, and does not abandon that guidance of the church which he once received [47] .
4. For this reason it has always been necessary for every church–that is to say the faithful throughout the world–to be in agreement with the Roman church because of its more effective leadership. In consequence of being joined, as members to head, with that see, from which the rights of sacred communion flow to all, they will grow together into the structure of a single body [48] .
5. Therefore,
   • if anyone says that
     • it is not by the institution of Christ the lord himself (that is to say, by divine law) that blessed Peter should have perpetual successors in the primacy over the whole church; or that
     • the Roman pontiff is not the successor of blessed Peter in this primacy:

     let him be anathema.

Friday Fun

Good evening, ladies and gentleman, my name is, Jennifer Rooks, and we welcome all of our listeners to tonight's Maine Public Broadcasting Network's Edition of "The County Today;" a show in which we explore the many and varied exciting aspects of the people, places, and events in and around Aroostook County in Northern Maine; our State's largest county.

Tonight, we are pleased to welcome to our show, Doc AhDubay, an Amateur Brain Surgeon.

Good evening and welcome to our show, Doc AhDubay.

Thank-you, Jennifer. It is a pleasure to be here; and please, call me "Doc."

Ok, thank-you. That is very kind of you; I will call you Doc.  So, Doc, can you tell our listeners a little bit about yourself.

OK. Well, as you have already said, my name is Doc AhDubay. I was born in Vermont into a rather large and, oh, I guess I'd have to say, lower-middle class family and I grew-up in an old World War Two Public Housing Project called, "Westview."

Oh, that sounds like a wonderful place. Westview. It sounds so lovely. Did it have a nice view?

No. No, it did not have what I'd describe as a nice view.

From what I remember of the place, the most common things to be seen were ratty towels and stained Underoos hanging-out on clothes lines; insane, inbred children beating each other with toilet plungers; dogs limping around with gunshot wounds; and Baby Carriages, crammed chock-a-block full with terrified toddlers, hurtling down the hill towards the rush-hour traffic on Highway 106.

Well, it may not have been lovely but it sure seems to have made an impression on you..

Yes; in much the same way Old man What's-his-face left a permanent impression on his boy's stomach when the old man got drunk and stabbed him in the belly with a red hot poker because his son had just flunked Second Grade for the third consecutive year.

Umm, ok, let's move on. You now live in Maine, correct?

Yes. I do. Yes. Yes; I live in Maine. Well, technically I no longer live in Maine because of an, um, I guess what you'd call a misunderstanding with the legal system; and, so, now, I am living outside of this legal jurisdict...um, State.

OK, Doc. Very well. And can you please tell our listeners what it was that caused you to move out of our lovely State?

Oh, sure, Jennifer. But, can I first explain to them a little bit about Amateur Brain Surgery and how I came to be involved in that?

Oh, my goodness (she twitters in embarrassment); absolutely. I had been meaning to ask you that question first but your story about What's-his-face's family made me feel all light-headed and sleepy.

Please, Doc. Go ahead. I'm sure our audience would love to hear your explanation because, frankly, I get around quite a bit; and I have interviewed many, many individuals but, I have to confess, this is the first time I have even heard about Amateur Brain Surgery.

Ok, thank-you, Jennifer. Well, I don't want to get into an extensive, and long, historical recapitulation of my employment history; but, let it suffice for me to say that I have had more than a few jobs at which I have had varying degrees of success; ranging from fired-on-the-spot-the-first-day-on-the-job success to landing a job with the State of Maine - from which employment it is, literally, impossible to be fired from.

Doc. Let me interrupt you for just a second. Are you saying you can NOT be fired if you work for The State of Maine?

Yes. Yes, Jennifer. That is what I am saying. Correct. Once you are hired by The State, you can not be fired for any reason. The only way you can lose your job is if you quit.

But, hold on..this is making me light-headed and sleepy again; but, surely you are just speaking with some hyperbole here. I mean, I understand that if you work for The State that you are a member of the Union but that noes not mean that you can't ever be fired...

Yes. That is exactly what it means, Jennifer.

But what if you, say...and God forbid anyone ever did this - what if you, say, killed someone? Surely that would be cause for dismissal.

No. No it wouldn't, Jennifer. Let's say I killed someone; even though I, technically, haven't - unless you consider "killing" causing someone to be Diagnosed as "essentially, a radish" due to some unforeseeable surgical complications -as I say, let's just say, for the moment, that I did kill someone. Even if I had, I could not be fired.

The worst thing that could have happened to me - had I killed someone - was for me to have been placed on "Administrative Leave" for two months; and, during that time, I'd still receive 75% of my salary. 

Wow..OK, Doc. I'll take your word for that because we have moved quite far afield from the topic we had begun to explore. You were going to tell our listeners about how you became involved in Amateur Brain Surgery.

Yep. Well, Jennifer, the plain and simple truth of the matter is that one night I was alone in my apartment, drinking beer - quite a bit actually - and I was watching some show about the history of medicine when it, suddenly, dawned on me - I can become a surgeon; an Amateur Brain Surgeon.

I'm sorry. You had the idea you could become a brain surgeon?  You can't just decide to do such a thing. I mean, come on. Had you graduated from an AMA Accredited Medical School and been through an AMA Accredited Residency Program at an Accredited State-Licensed Hospital?

Nope. I did not do one of those things, Jennifer. And, you know what? I never will.  

Let me let you in on a little secret. All of the things you mentioned are nothing but scams. They are ways The Medical Profession ensures that Doctors will continue to receive High Wages - they do that by limiting the number of men in the Medical Profession through all of this rigmarole of Accredited this and Licensed that.

And when demand is high and supply is low, then prices rise.

Let me ask you a question, Jennifer. Who is it that controls all of this, this, highly time-consuming and expensive process, of becoming a Doctor?

Well, obviously, it is The Medical Profession in conjunction with the individual States and they have established standards of Professionalism so that they will be able to make sure that those who do desire to become Doctors receive adequate, expert, education, and professional supervision before they are allowed to function as a Doctor.

Whatever.  

All is I know is that when I was watching that program, it suddenly dawned on me - Hey, back in the day NOBODY needed a damn License to save lives.

Heck, even today that is the case. I mean, try watching The National Geographic Channel for the love of Pete. Look at Africa. How many Negroes over there are wandering around gainfully employed as Witch Doctors and Shamans and what not and driving-out the Debbil from some poor Lil' Chile's brain by savagely beating on her belly with a dried Meerkat's head and placing an Elephant's Skull stuffed with smoldering Wildebeest Dung outside the entrance to her family's Mud Hut?

Do you see the UN arresting those Doctors? No you don't.

But, Doc..I mean come on.. you seriously are not trying to compare..

Compare, shamare. All is I know that oncet I figured-out this scam; oncet I, if you will, had figured-out the DaVinci Code of Medicine, I was set free, baby.

And that is when I decided, then and there, to become an Amateur Brain Surgeon

(Jennifer can be heard emitting an audible sigh of disbelief and frustration) Go on..

And I figured the best place to do that was in Aroostook County...

That's interesting. Why did you choose Aroostook County?

Well, the folks up there are more trusting than they are in Cumberland County. Plus, the girls are pretty and their Dads are retarded - well, not all of them of course. But, a lot of them are - obviously.

I figured them Spud-Pullers would love to have an Amateur Brain Surgeon around who'd be willing to do surgery for, oh, I dunno, let's say 150 Bucks a pop.

And so I moved to Fort Kent and I began to hang around the Emergency Room at The Northern Maine Medical Center for several reasons...

You moved to Fort Kent for more than one reason...

Yes. I had to meet some Nurses so I could put the word out about my career. And I had to have access to some Surgical supplies.

Didn't you think the Nurses would become suspicious and report you to the authorities? I mean, you were telling them you were an Amateur Brain Surgeon, right?

Not when they were sober, I wasn't.

Good Lord, Doc. Are you trying to tell our listeners that you were going to The Emergency Room to pick-up Nurses?

Look, Jennifer. If I was gonna meet Nurses - which I had to do so I could tell them about my new career and drum-up some business - I figured the best place to do that was either at The Golden Corral or the Northern Maine Medical Center Emergency Room.

And the beauty of meeting Nurses at the ER, instead of at The Golden Corral, is that in the ER they aren't standing in front of The Carving Station asking for thirds on Roast Beef like they are at The Golden Corral.

Nope. in the ER, the Nurses are bustling to and fro, looking all pretty-like in their sexy uniforms; wearing colored nylons, and shoes with heavy soles that make cute little squeaks on the linoleum floor when the Nurses are rushing-out to greet the Ambulance delivering to the ER some poor slob who has just been stabbed in the groin by a Somali.

So, Doc. How did you meet Nurses in The ER?

Easy, peazy. I'd walk in there, grab my chest, and yell, "Oh, Lord..save me..my heart..it hurts SO bad.."

And then a Nurse would rush-over and lead me into an examination room and then I'd hit on her and ask her out for a date.

Doc. You have GOT to be kidding me. There is NO WAY a Nurse would go out on a date with some man who has made such a disturbance and lied about his condition that way...

They would if the man told them he was a surgeon...

Good Lord. OK, continue

So, after I got them to agree to go out with me on a date, I'd pick them up after work and I'd take them out parking down by the Quarry with a whole cooler full of Ice Cold Coors in the back seat.

Them  Nurses had never drank a Coors, they'd only heard about it and, so, I figured if I gave them Coors then they'd likely think I WAS a Doctor. And it worked.

The Nurses would get really hammered and when they got out of the car to go pee, I'd rifle through their pocketbooks looking for stuff I needed for my new career - stuff like Surgical Suture and left-over Anesthesia.

And did you find anything that you needed for your, um, new Career?

No. No I didn't, Jennifer. Every single last Nurse I dated - and I dated sixteen of them before I stopped wasting my time with them - every single damn one of them had the SAME things in their pocketbooks; Binaca, a Bic Lighter, Salem Cigarettes, a Nail File, Lipstick,  a Rat-Tail Comb, a Mirror, a Photo of Dr Kildare, and two or three dozen prophylactics. 

That sounds about right. So, Doc, where DID you find the "stuff" - as you call it - that you needed for your new Career.

I hate to admit this, Jennifer, but I became a Dumpster Diver. Late at night, I 'd sneak into the back yard of The Medical Center and I'd leap into the Dumpster and start grabbing as many Medical Waste Bags as I could and then I'd rush back to the Parking Lot and grab a nine-iron from my trunk and then I'd use that Club to bust-open the sacks but I never did find any left-over Anesthesia.

So, I just decided to forego all of my careful planning and I chose to wing-it, as it were.

I had met this one Nurse, Cindy, who told me about her "Papa" who had injured his back pulling Spuds at Harvest Time. Cindy told me that "Papa" had been going to a Chiropractor but that "Papa" was still in a lot of pain.

I explained to Cindy that ALL pain is experienced in the Brain and that I, as a qualified Amateur Brain Surgeon...

Hold on. Doc, Just a minute. You were NOT qualified...

I most certainly was. In fact, I once had Cindy over to my apartment one night and I proved to her that I WAS a qualified Amateur Brain Surgeon.

Once I had gotten her pretty-well liquored up I pointed out my " Diploma" that I  had faked-up and had hanging on my wall. It read:

            University of Southern Maine

Be it known to all who may think that this is just a joke

                        that

Doc AhDubay really is an Amateur Brian Surgeon

and on June 16, 1975 he was awarded his ABS from this Accredited Program, i.e. e.g. op cit ad infinitum and whatnot, etc.

Don't tell me she fell for that...

Like a Pirate with a Peg Leg trying to cross Moosehead Lake on a Pogo Stick in the dead of Winter..

What?...I'm am starting to feel light-headed and sleepy...

She believed me and so she set-up a Surgical Visit for "Papa" in their garage in Tater Holler and I drove-out there one very cold day in February last winter and I performed Brain Surgery on "Papa."

Oh my God...Please tell me this is a joke...

It's no joke, Sister. I choose Winter as the best time because I had not been able to find any Anesthesia in the Medical Waste Bags I had been busting open..

Wait,..I don't mean to get off track again, but, didn't you even realise how dangerous it was to be mucking around with bags of Medical Waste?

Well, duh!!! I sure as hell do now. 

I mean, I avoided a lot of the crusty old bandages I ran into, but, this one time, I saw what I was sure was some Surgical Sutures and in my rush to grab them, I jabbed my palm into a discarded needle and about a week or so later I didn't feel so well.

Well, to be perfectly truthful, you don't look so well...

I know. All my friends have started calling me the name of that guy who was in the Pink Panther Movies; they'd call me, "Cato:" you know, the little yellow bastid ?

Anyways, back to my first surgery. It was SO exciting. I choose  to operate out in "Papa's" garage in February because I reasoned it'd be so damn cold outside that his head would freeze and become about as sensitive as stacked Cord Wood. 

And it worked like a charm. Even if "Papa" did had a brand new bag he could not have felt it. Due to the cold, he was number than a Hake.

Cindy had stolen a Scalpel from the ER so I used that to cut open "Papa's" noggin and then I used her Bic to heat-up the tip of my Instant-Read Meat Thermometer to 217 degrees and then I, carefully, plunged that down into his Brain to a precise depth of about two to four inches.

Oh my GOD....You DIDN'T....

And as I like to do when I am performing Brain Surgery, I began explaining to Cindy, and several other Nurses from the ER who had been invited to the BBQ-Brain Surgery Session, that the Cold and The Darkness of Northern Maine affects the Brain in such a way that one experiences MORE pain than one would were one to experience a similar pain during the Summer and that is because of  the properties of Light and the Sun's, relative, infrequency of appearance during Winter in Northern Maine.

 

And what is one characteristic of light if not heat?

Ergo, my Surgical Plan was to introduce heat into the brain so as to reduce the pain - and not only would I reduce the pain, but I would cauterise to smithereens any and all pierced cells and singed synapses, and even all memories of that pain, associated with "Papa's" Spud-Pulling injury.

Good LORD. You are an insane and dangerous crackpot. I am dialing the Cops right now... 

Well, to make a long story short let me just say that there WERE unforeseeable Surgical complications and "Papa" has since been Diagnosed as "Essentially a Radish," but Cindy, who rarely even speaks to me by phone now, found him a job working as a Scarecrow for The Wood Prairie Potato Farm...

The MPBN Listeners begin to hear the sounds of sirens, at first faint, but then rapidly becoming ever-louder 

OK, Jennifer, I gotta run...BYE...

Wait a damn minute, Buster....

And then MPBN listeners hear sound of a microphone crashing to the floor and the rude slam of a door as Doc UhDubay hightails it out of the studio and then MPBN goes off the air....